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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Emotionally Spent

I have so much running through my head, and so much I want to say, but I don't really know what words to use, or how to express what I am feeling.

These past couple days have been very hard. I knew bringing home a baby would be tough, but nobody told me how tough it really would be. The first night in the hospital was great. Jack slept most of the night, and fed well a couple times.
The second night was where it started to get tough. He would cry and cry, and was almost inconsolable. I tried to feed him and it was a battle to get him to latch. Most of the time he would eventually latch, and feed, and then be happy. (usually with the help of a nurse or my mom)
The first night at home he was up most of the night, fussing, hungry or dirty every hour or so. We noticed he would cry and cry, and seemed to be gassy... he would only calm down after passing the gas, which could take quite a while.
The second night at home was much the same... he did sleep for about 2 hours at one point, but was up every hour or so otherwise.
Saturday was a very hard day for me. It has been really hard to get him to feed, and I really didn't want to give him a bottle. But he will just cry and be inconsolable, refusing to breastfeed... he will latch and suck for a few seconds, then stop and just start crying. If he is upset and I try and feed him and he doesn't want to he will just scream. This is the part that really gets to me. I want to exclusively breastfeed, but he is making it impossible. Lately we have given in to pumping and feeding it to him in a bottle, but I don't even want him to get used to a bottle. I still try to breastfeed him each time though, but when he has gone 4-5 hours without eating, I can't just starve him.
The gassiness is still there though too. He will just scream and cry for what feels like forever, and he is inconsolable. We have tried mylicon, and I don't know if it really helps, but he seems to like the taste, because as soon as the dropper hits his mouth, he stops crying (doesn't always last though.) We have also tried a little gripe water, but dont know if it really helps either. We ordered BioGaia from the pharmacy, and will get that tomorrow. It is a pro biotic that is supposed to be good for colic. Hopefully we will figure out what works soon...

Last night was the best night so far... We put up his mobile, and it has lights and the heartbeat sounds, which he seems to really like. He actually slept for about 3 hours at one point. He was up often the rest of the night, but it wasn't as bad as the past several. Hopefully this will continue and get better.

He also gets fussy during the day in much the same way, but It is slightly easier to deal with...

I think the hardest part in the whole thing is feeling helpless. Not being able to do anything about his gas, not knowing how to get him to eat, and not wanting to bottlefeed. Throw in a whole lot of hormones on top of that and you have me. Yesterday I had a major breakdown. I was trying to get him to feed, and just started crying (not the first time.... in fact I am crying now) But I couldn't stop. I was bawling. like can't breathe, blubbering mess. Josh came in the room and took Jack and made me take a nap, but I just cried and cried until I fell asleep. I have been an emotional mess these past several days, and cry at the drop of a hat. People ask me how I am doing and I just break down... Makes me not want to go anywhere. Because it's not just tearing up, it's like I can't talk, I am crying...

I don't really know why I am writing this all out here... I think I just needed to get it out somewhere, but can't really talk about it because I just cry (heck, I have cried through writing this whole stinkin thing!) I have tons of people encouraging me, and that helps. I guess I can ask if any of you experienced moms out there have any good advice... did you have any of these problems? what did you do?

If anything, prayers would be appreciated. We go see his Doctor tomorrow, and hopefully we can get some questions answered, and I won't just be a blubbering mess.
Thanks, and I hope you all have a good week!


Sweetbabs said...

Oh sweetie. I know where you are. I was there last year with my little one. Hang in there!

Try taking milk and out of your diet. It did help my daughter with her gas and over fussiness. She was not perfect by any means but it did make things a tiny bit easier for breastfeeding. Do not give up. You can do it. That is what a kept telling myself.

Also read up on infant reflux. You baby may be suffering from reflux or silent reflux. If so you will have the option of putting your little one on meds. Also you could purchase a infant Ar pillow which I have heard helps with sleeping.
Also do not feel bad if your child sleeps in a swing or car seat my daughter lived in hers. It was the only way to get her to sleep longer the an hour at a time.

I want to help you in any way I can. I know that feeling of being helpless and it is really hard.

Lots of love being sent your way!

Erica said...

1st: Congratulations! I bet Jack is amazing!

2nd: Hang in there! And please don't worry about nipple confusion. It is most important that he is getting your breast milk, whether it be by breast or bottle.

3rd: We're praying for you and sending much love your way!

Kate & Matt Heihn said...

Katrina, you are such a great mom because you want what is best for Jack! It definitely is not the easiest thing in the world to bring a baby home from the hospital. I was hit so hard when it finally sunk in that Savannah was MY responsibility! Yikes, that is a huge life change - throw in your raging hormones and no sleep, you are not alone in how you are feeling! Keep it up. Savannah would have a hard time feeding if I was stressed, crying, or too engorged. If you feel too full it can be harder for them to latch on, so pump a little and try again to get him to latch on. Keep it up Katrina, you will have it down soon!

...Mrs. Southern Bride... said...

Oh! Many blessings your way!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the new baby ... but I'm so sorry you are dealing with all these struggles.

Just remember to try and get as much rest as possible. Don't give up on breastfeedings. I hear sometimes it takes a while for you and the baby to get used to it. Def pump for the night, just in case he wont latch on ... but try hard during the day. Have you called the nurse and told her bout the feeding probs? sometimes they have great advice and will even come visit you and help you until you get it down. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this. I know you'll come out on top!