I have so much running through my head, and so much I want to say, but I don't really know what words to use, or how to express what I am feeling.
These past couple days have been very hard. I knew bringing home a baby would be tough, but nobody told me how tough it really would be. The first night in the hospital was great. Jack slept most of the night, and fed well a couple times.
The second night was where it started to get tough. He would cry and cry, and was almost inconsolable. I tried to feed him and it was a battle to get him to latch. Most of the time he would eventually latch, and feed, and then be happy. (usually with the help of a nurse or my mom)
The first night at home he was up most of the night, fussing, hungry or dirty every hour or so. We noticed he would cry and cry, and seemed to be gassy... he would only calm down after passing the gas, which could take quite a while.
The second night at home was much the same... he did sleep for about 2 hours at one point, but was up every hour or so otherwise.
Saturday was a very hard day for me. It has been really hard to get him to feed, and I really didn't want to give him a bottle. But he will just cry and be inconsolable, refusing to breastfeed... he will latch and suck for a few seconds, then stop and just start crying. If he is upset and I try and feed him and he doesn't want to he will just scream. This is the part that really gets to me. I want to exclusively breastfeed, but he is making it impossible. Lately we have given in to pumping and feeding it to him in a bottle, but I don't even want him to get used to a bottle. I still try to breastfeed him each time though, but when he has gone 4-5 hours without eating, I can't just starve him.
The gassiness is still there though too. He will just scream and cry for what feels like forever, and he is inconsolable. We have tried mylicon, and I don't know if it really helps, but he seems to like the taste, because as soon as the dropper hits his mouth, he stops crying (doesn't always last though.) We have also tried a little gripe water, but dont know if it really helps either. We ordered BioGaia from the pharmacy, and will get that tomorrow. It is a pro biotic that is supposed to be good for colic. Hopefully we will figure out what works soon...
Last night was the best night so far... We put up his mobile, and it has lights and the heartbeat sounds, which he seems to really like. He actually slept for about 3 hours at one point. He was up often the rest of the night, but it wasn't as bad as the past several. Hopefully this will continue and get better.
He also gets fussy during the day in much the same way, but It is slightly easier to deal with...
I think the hardest part in the whole thing is feeling helpless. Not being able to do anything about his gas, not knowing how to get him to eat, and not wanting to bottlefeed. Throw in a whole lot of hormones on top of that and you have me. Yesterday I had a major breakdown. I was trying to get him to feed, and just started crying (not the first time.... in fact I am crying now) But I couldn't stop. I was bawling. like can't breathe, blubbering mess. Josh came in the room and took Jack and made me take a nap, but I just cried and cried until I fell asleep. I have been an emotional mess these past several days, and cry at the drop of a hat. People ask me how I am doing and I just break down... Makes me not want to go anywhere. Because it's not just tearing up, it's like I can't talk, I am crying...
I don't really know why I am writing this all out here... I think I just needed to get it out somewhere, but can't really talk about it because I just cry (heck, I have cried through writing this whole stinkin thing!) I have tons of people encouraging me, and that helps. I guess I can ask if any of you experienced moms out there have any good advice... did you have any of these problems? what did you do?
If anything, prayers would be appreciated. We go see his Doctor tomorrow, and hopefully we can get some questions answered, and I won't just be a blubbering mess.
Thanks, and I hope you all have a good week!